Theater Training and Life

So I worked and continued in school.
I also longed for romance. I had run into my ex at a mutual friend's house. He was with a girl, and because of how I had been treated while married I remained cool. I saw a couple of other fellows and experimented with feelings, would anyone of these fellows be someone I'd be happy with...that type of thing. I wasn't and at that age, I knew it wasn't worth it to force a feeling on myself. It happened or it didn't.

I continued to see my friends. The ones that shared I shared with my ex. Eventually, he was so persistant about seeing me that I thought he had had a change of heart and gave him my number. A week later, he called and I agreed to meet him. I also was at loose ends one night and at that time, the worst thing in the world was staying at home. He seemed to be playing some kind of game because he kept me waiting two hours. I was getting ready to leave when he pulled up into the club of this parking lot. We had some drinks. I hoped for some magic and excitement from this encounter. I, obviously, had not really been happy with any of my other boyfriends. I thought maybe my ex was still the one. So we got together. I mean together in the sense that once again, unbeknownst to me, a baby was created. Ah, let me explain. I thought I had rhythm. Hey, I didn't have sex on a regular basis, and no one could say how safe the pill was at that time, so I didn't use it. I was sure I was right on the timing....

By the time I realized I was pregnant, I had already realized I didn't want anything more to do with my ex. Maybe as a friend...but not as a boyfriend. Actually, I realized that before I realized I was pregnant. It does take a couple of months to become aware of pregnancy, whereas, realizing a relationship is not going to take off can happen much sooner.

So when I was pregnant, I debated whether to tell the father that he was a father or not. I didn't debate whether or not to keep the baby, because I knew how picky I was and that I'd probably never wind up pregnant again. So it wasn't an issue of being anti-abortion or not. It was that I'd never know motherhood otherwise.

I did tell my roommates, or housemates, since we shared the house and not rooms. I did also tell my ex, the father, in a less than eloquent fashion. I said something about he'd want to kick my stomach...ok...he never had expressed anything of that sort before, but he had a friend who did. Anyway, I didn't think he'd be thrilled, as he had fought for his freedom or sort of had. He couldn't make up his mind whether he wanted to be married or not. I couldn't help but think he still couldn't about anything.

Things were going fine. I even managed to have a lead role in a couple of plays during this time. I did finally tell one person, another student about this. She was directing a show and I wanted her to know in case something happened. We had sort of become friends before. This cemented it. I told her I needed to know the reaction of the school. I mean a girl at a Florida university had been expelled because her pictures appeared in a men's magazine. True. It wasn't my university, but still, who knew what rules there were about illegit babies. She started to leak info while we were rehearsing about a pregnant girl. She wasn't gossiping. Well, for one thing, I needed to find a way to get this out since I was in my 5th month and who knew when I would show. I had told her that. How she handled it was very classy in my opinion. She told the male actors to help out more with set construction and moving chairs because one of the actresses was pregnant. Later, I got a report from her on this. No one guessed me as the pregnant lady!!!

I got to know this friend, Karen Greggor, better and began to like her even more. She was really interesting. I didn't agree with her about everything. Tell the truth, I seemed to view things a lot differently than everyone else, not just her. She did try to talk me into giving the baby up. So did a lot of people, since I was single. I was trying to make it on my own.

I had told my ex after pondering and debating the issue, as I stated earlier. He was not too receptive and said he would pay for half the cost of an abortion. I mentioned already that I never once considered that and he did know that. Still, he came to see me with a friend when I was about 5 mos along. We only had a minute alone and I asked, "Will you help?" His decisive reply was, "I don't know." That clinched it for me. At that point I thought, he never can make up his mind. I also thought he was a coward for bringing a friend along. I didn't really even want him as a friend anymore. All my other friends wanted to know what they could do for me. Not him, though. So pooh on him. I had even been thinking we could share custody. Now...that was out of the question.

I got into many debates with my friends. Many did not make sense, yet others felt it wasn't impossible. It's not like you have to have a ton of money to have a baby. Sadly, the clinic I was going to demanded a certain amount. My budget was pretty good and I was handling the costs. Until my car broke down. The money I had saved for the clinic now had to go to a transmission. There was no way I could not have a car in southern Florida. There is not public transportation within cities. My job was a good 5 miles away. School was three miles from where I lived. Could I get another car for what the cost of a transmission was? No. I had to have it repaired. In my 7th month, the clinic said, I had to pay up or do without. Somethings you can't do without. Somehow, I also knew that I really needed to have medical care, possibly either my life or my baby's depended on it. I had already found out I was severely anemic and I had been given vitamins, iron and folic acid from the clinic. That would not be continued either. So they told me I could give up the baby and had me contact Catholic Charities. I honestly felt I had no choice.

I continued in school. I only had enough money to pay for one class; I felt I had to be in school, in the theater, or I would go crazy so I did pay for that. During this time, everybody knew I was the pregnant lady in question. In my 8th month I began to show. One young man was particularly solicitous. He would rush to get me a chair when I needed one for a scene. Karen, this young man, Sonny, and a friend of his, David, began hanging around together. Sonny even pushed me in a wheelchair when we went to a mall. We all became very close. I had friends I wanted and I was beginning to fall for Sonny. I had accepted that I couldn't keep my baby.

One of the few times that was difficult for me was Thanksgiving. Everybody, even Sonny went back home to be with family. I had company, sort of. One of the people in the house I was renting was an old man. I had thought he was interesting and allowed him to rent a room. The young woman who owned the house worked and ownded a child care center in Ft. Lauderdale and had a boyfriend there, so she spent most of her time there. She figured it would be better financially to rent out her bedroom suite. I was elected to manage this for her. So I let this old man rent. He did pay and put up a deposit. He seemed pleasant enough. I guess it's never a good idea to make snap judgements.

My Life as an Actress

For a long time I've pondered with a story I wanted to tell. Usually my blogs are about my cats or my cats are blogging. Now they have Catster.
Anyway, I've had a burning story that isn't fiction. It does seem like it would be. It certainly is unreal enough. I hope I can remember everything to get a sense of it across and so you can walk a mile or two in my shoes.

I won't start at the beginning of my life. It wasn't ordinary, but it isn't what troubled me. I will say that by the time I was 22, I had lost both my parents to natural causes and had been married and divorced. Whether the later was natural causes or not is questionable. It just wasn't meant to be.
My friends had either been friends of my husband or my high school friends who had gotten married and moved away. The few college friends I had also seemed to go their seperate ways, and I didn't see them again.

I had been studying to be a vet, or a biologist. I wanted to learn and help animals. It was just that when my marriage fell apart, and that process had been a long, drawn out ordeal, I didn't have it in me to study. I needed a change. Something to give my life that spark that makes you want to get up in the morning. Since I was at loose ends, I traveled to where I had an aunt and uncle. I stayed with them and was trying to pull myself together. I wound up babysitting another aunt's children for some extra cash. There was nothing really exciting yet. I did read the want ads daily. Many jobs for models to show homes appeared, then one appeared for luncheon models. I thought...wow! a model. This could lead to an acting career. That was my fantasy! So I interviewed for the modeling job and got it.

This was fine, in a way, but really a dead end. I was debating going back to school or being serious about pursuing an acting career. I was still looking in the papers at want ads. I saw an ad for "actor wanted for children's theater." I called, got an interview, an audition, called back, got the job. I was in heaven!

I earned less, but still I was an actress. I also had the good fortune to be working with an actor that had had two starring roles on Broadway. I tried to learn as much as I could about a professional actor's life from him. My goal was to become a great actress. Being an actress was the only thing that made me forget the pain of losing everyone I had loved.

I did around 150 shows when I realized that I should try for bigger and better things. I had learned all I could where I was. So I gave notice and quit. OK. I did learn. What did I learn? Never quit an acting job, you may never get another; or when you do, it may not be bigger or better.

I went for months without anything in the theater. I went for a couple of months hardly eating. Typical starving artist. I did go on auditions and did wind up doing some department store "demonstrating" of perfumes and colognes. I also read up on Stanislavski and any acting books, plays, I could lay my hands on.

Most people day dream about their love life or having it all. I day dreamed being on stage on Broadway. I would try to imagine the set, the play, the actors I was working with. I also took Stanislavski's advice about re-living the day...the feelings, the sights, the smells, well, all of it.

I finally got a job as an apprentice in summer stock with drop in stars. It was so exciting. I barely had any money. I had a boyfriend who didn't want me to go, but he did help me pack and get on a bus. He also lent me some money.

I guess that isn't really important as part of the story, but I did have a personal life as well. It's just my dreams where far more important. This will lead to major clashes in my life, though I didn't know it then. How would I have known? I couldn't foresee the future or begin to guess how selfish men could be. What did Madonna say? Men can tell a thousand lies...

Anyway, I did work with Van Johnson in a bit part. I also helped with almost every facet of putting a show on. I can't begin to describe everything and how happy I was. Sadly, my boyfriend wasn't and we broke up. Too bad he had many of my possessions from my apartment when I moved. Many of the things were what I had from my mother and many were years and years of pictures. I didn't even think about this at the time. I felt I was on my way. I was in a professional "Equity" theater. True, it was no money. It was great experience.

There was an actor there that I developed strong feelings for, too. He returned them. Still they were just feelings and well this is what came of that. Since I don't want to use this person's name for various unsundry reasons, let me just call him Mr. X. the TV star. How did I know he had feelings for me at the time? It was my job to get coffee for all the actors during intermission ( this was not the show I appeared in). I got his favorite and was delivering it to him and said, "I feel like a waitress." He replied, "I can change your image." I stared. Then I left as I had other duties and anything further would be up to him. That seemed to be it. We had no intimate contact or ever a date.

I continued my work, made peanuts as it were, but managed to get by. I had worked in front of a large audience with a big name star, Van Johnson, and I played a major role in a children's theater production while I was there. I only needed one more summer like that and I would be in Equity.

Sadly, this idyllic situation was to come to an end. School let out and many fresh faced college students were on the scene. They didn't even need to be paid the peanuts I needed to stay there. So I was let go, replaced at 23 years of age.

I had a stepfather in Florida. Florida the place I left when my marriage fell apart because I needed to get away. I had nowhere else to go. I would have gone to New York, but I wanted more money and experience under my belt before I headed for Broadway. Broadway and my name in lights! Ah. I can still see my dream!
Such a selfish goal! Where did my dream of helping animals go? It just lingered and was diminished by something that saved my sanity, pulled me out of what was becoming a severe depression.

My dream of stardom and greatness as an actress.

That has been and was a theme of my life. It has been the driving force. It has overshadowed everything and has somehow managed to wreck every friendship, relationship. I couldn't help it that for me, nothing else compared. Nothing. Even I didn't realize how pervasive and deep a feeling I had for this particular success. I mean, not success in any other way. Not like my mother had encouraged, as say - a Nobel Prize winner, author, something worthy, but as an acress. It makes no sense, but do emotions? Being an actress and succeeding was the only thing to me that could be a fantasy, it was beyond ordinary or common. It was the ONLY thing I desired. Does it seem at this point that I am poised for failure?

Not to me, it didn't.

I showed up at my stepfather and stepmother's door. My stepfather had married a nice woman since my mother had died. I landed there and caught my breath. I wound up getting two jobs, one as a waitress and one in a hospital as a ward secretary. I got an apartment, a car, some clothes and enought money to go full time to Florida Atlantic University.

I majored in theater. I did look up old friends. Seems some that had disappeared were now around.

I did have to quit one job, and boy was I exhausted. Still, I was making headway and getting theater credits. For some reason, my performances were stilted, my speech bland. As a teen, I had shown talent. Many adults commented on it. I was somewhat concerned that I had lost that, but I felt determination would overcome all obstacles. I loved being in the classes. I got to know other students and though I felt so much older than them, I was beginning to fit in. I loved the place.

I needed more money and better hours. I needed evenings free to work on shows. Shows are put on at night. So are rehearsals. Fledgling stars also have to put in time as prop people, dressers, seamstresses or costumers, set painters, stage managers, ushers, etc. Naturally, a college theater production needs all these people, too. I needed to assist. Not only for experience, but for credit. It was required for a couple of classes.

I wound up working as a waitress at a local country club. The hours were good and I was making more than minimum wage. I even got a meal thrown in for free. This really helped. At this point, I had given up my own apartment...no sacrifice, it was a lonely bachelor place. I moved into a house close to the university that was shared with three other girls. Funny, at first, I didn't like them because they weren't actresses. This feeling did change, even though one of my goals and ways of planning was to only associate with people in the theater. It was one of the girls living there who had saved a piece of steak for herself, but offered it to me for an opening night. I was so touched. My performance, I must admit was dismal. Maybe I was trying too hard to use the method and unlike Brando...it didn't work for me.

Next chapter

February 6

Well, we got catnip today. Boy did we haf to hint alot to get Meowmie to offur up this treat fur us. Why doesnt' she give us this efuryday? That is our big question of the day.