Theater Training and Life
So I worked and continued in school.
I also longed for romance. I had run into my ex at a mutual friend's house. He was with a girl, and because of how I had been treated while married I remained cool. I saw a couple of other fellows and experimented with feelings, would anyone of these fellows be someone I'd be happy with...that type of thing. I wasn't and at that age, I knew it wasn't worth it to force a feeling on myself. It happened or it didn't.
I continued to see my friends. The ones that shared I shared with my ex. Eventually, he was so persistant about seeing me that I thought he had had a change of heart and gave him my number. A week later, he called and I agreed to meet him. I also was at loose ends one night and at that time, the worst thing in the world was staying at home. He seemed to be playing some kind of game because he kept me waiting two hours. I was getting ready to leave when he pulled up into the club of this parking lot. We had some drinks. I hoped for some magic and excitement from this encounter. I, obviously, had not really been happy with any of my other boyfriends. I thought maybe my ex was still the one. So we got together. I mean together in the sense that once again, unbeknownst to me, a baby was created. Ah, let me explain. I thought I had rhythm. Hey, I didn't have sex on a regular basis, and no one could say how safe the pill was at that time, so I didn't use it. I was sure I was right on the timing....
By the time I realized I was pregnant, I had already realized I didn't want anything more to do with my ex. Maybe as a friend...but not as a boyfriend. Actually, I realized that before I realized I was pregnant. It does take a couple of months to become aware of pregnancy, whereas, realizing a relationship is not going to take off can happen much sooner.
So when I was pregnant, I debated whether to tell the father that he was a father or not. I didn't debate whether or not to keep the baby, because I knew how picky I was and that I'd probably never wind up pregnant again. So it wasn't an issue of being anti-abortion or not. It was that I'd never know motherhood otherwise.
I did tell my roommates, or housemates, since we shared the house and not rooms. I did also tell my ex, the father, in a less than eloquent fashion. I said something about he'd want to kick my stomach...ok...he never had expressed anything of that sort before, but he had a friend who did. Anyway, I didn't think he'd be thrilled, as he had fought for his freedom or sort of had. He couldn't make up his mind whether he wanted to be married or not. I couldn't help but think he still couldn't about anything.
Things were going fine. I even managed to have a lead role in a couple of plays during this time. I did finally tell one person, another student about this. She was directing a show and I wanted her to know in case something happened. We had sort of become friends before. This cemented it. I told her I needed to know the reaction of the school. I mean a girl at a Florida university had been expelled because her pictures appeared in a men's magazine. True. It wasn't my university, but still, who knew what rules there were about illegit babies. She started to leak info while we were rehearsing about a pregnant girl. She wasn't gossiping. Well, for one thing, I needed to find a way to get this out since I was in my 5th month and who knew when I would show. I had told her that. How she handled it was very classy in my opinion. She told the male actors to help out more with set construction and moving chairs because one of the actresses was pregnant. Later, I got a report from her on this. No one guessed me as the pregnant lady!!!
I got to know this friend, Karen Greggor, better and began to like her even more. She was really interesting. I didn't agree with her about everything. Tell the truth, I seemed to view things a lot differently than everyone else, not just her. She did try to talk me into giving the baby up. So did a lot of people, since I was single. I was trying to make it on my own.
I had told my ex after pondering and debating the issue, as I stated earlier. He was not too receptive and said he would pay for half the cost of an abortion. I mentioned already that I never once considered that and he did know that. Still, he came to see me with a friend when I was about 5 mos along. We only had a minute alone and I asked, "Will you help?" His decisive reply was, "I don't know." That clinched it for me. At that point I thought, he never can make up his mind. I also thought he was a coward for bringing a friend along. I didn't really even want him as a friend anymore. All my other friends wanted to know what they could do for me. Not him, though. So pooh on him. I had even been thinking we could share custody. Now...that was out of the question.
I got into many debates with my friends. Many did not make sense, yet others felt it wasn't impossible. It's not like you have to have a ton of money to have a baby. Sadly, the clinic I was going to demanded a certain amount. My budget was pretty good and I was handling the costs. Until my car broke down. The money I had saved for the clinic now had to go to a transmission. There was no way I could not have a car in southern Florida. There is not public transportation within cities. My job was a good 5 miles away. School was three miles from where I lived. Could I get another car for what the cost of a transmission was? No. I had to have it repaired. In my 7th month, the clinic said, I had to pay up or do without. Somethings you can't do without. Somehow, I also knew that I really needed to have medical care, possibly either my life or my baby's depended on it. I had already found out I was severely anemic and I had been given vitamins, iron and folic acid from the clinic. That would not be continued either. So they told me I could give up the baby and had me contact Catholic Charities. I honestly felt I had no choice.
I continued in school. I only had enough money to pay for one class; I felt I had to be in school, in the theater, or I would go crazy so I did pay for that. During this time, everybody knew I was the pregnant lady in question. In my 8th month I began to show. One young man was particularly solicitous. He would rush to get me a chair when I needed one for a scene. Karen, this young man, Sonny, and a friend of his, David, began hanging around together. Sonny even pushed me in a wheelchair when we went to a mall. We all became very close. I had friends I wanted and I was beginning to fall for Sonny. I had accepted that I couldn't keep my baby.
One of the few times that was difficult for me was Thanksgiving. Everybody, even Sonny went back home to be with family. I had company, sort of. One of the people in the house I was renting was an old man. I had thought he was interesting and allowed him to rent a room. The young woman who owned the house worked and ownded a child care center in Ft. Lauderdale and had a boyfriend there, so she spent most of her time there. She figured it would be better financially to rent out her bedroom suite. I was elected to manage this for her. So I let this old man rent. He did pay and put up a deposit. He seemed pleasant enough. I guess it's never a good idea to make snap judgements.
I also longed for romance. I had run into my ex at a mutual friend's house. He was with a girl, and because of how I had been treated while married I remained cool. I saw a couple of other fellows and experimented with feelings, would anyone of these fellows be someone I'd be happy with...that type of thing. I wasn't and at that age, I knew it wasn't worth it to force a feeling on myself. It happened or it didn't.
I continued to see my friends. The ones that shared I shared with my ex. Eventually, he was so persistant about seeing me that I thought he had had a change of heart and gave him my number. A week later, he called and I agreed to meet him. I also was at loose ends one night and at that time, the worst thing in the world was staying at home. He seemed to be playing some kind of game because he kept me waiting two hours. I was getting ready to leave when he pulled up into the club of this parking lot. We had some drinks. I hoped for some magic and excitement from this encounter. I, obviously, had not really been happy with any of my other boyfriends. I thought maybe my ex was still the one. So we got together. I mean together in the sense that once again, unbeknownst to me, a baby was created. Ah, let me explain. I thought I had rhythm. Hey, I didn't have sex on a regular basis, and no one could say how safe the pill was at that time, so I didn't use it. I was sure I was right on the timing....
By the time I realized I was pregnant, I had already realized I didn't want anything more to do with my ex. Maybe as a friend...but not as a boyfriend. Actually, I realized that before I realized I was pregnant. It does take a couple of months to become aware of pregnancy, whereas, realizing a relationship is not going to take off can happen much sooner.
So when I was pregnant, I debated whether to tell the father that he was a father or not. I didn't debate whether or not to keep the baby, because I knew how picky I was and that I'd probably never wind up pregnant again. So it wasn't an issue of being anti-abortion or not. It was that I'd never know motherhood otherwise.
I did tell my roommates, or housemates, since we shared the house and not rooms. I did also tell my ex, the father, in a less than eloquent fashion. I said something about he'd want to kick my stomach...ok...he never had expressed anything of that sort before, but he had a friend who did. Anyway, I didn't think he'd be thrilled, as he had fought for his freedom or sort of had. He couldn't make up his mind whether he wanted to be married or not. I couldn't help but think he still couldn't about anything.
Things were going fine. I even managed to have a lead role in a couple of plays during this time. I did finally tell one person, another student about this. She was directing a show and I wanted her to know in case something happened. We had sort of become friends before. This cemented it. I told her I needed to know the reaction of the school. I mean a girl at a Florida university had been expelled because her pictures appeared in a men's magazine. True. It wasn't my university, but still, who knew what rules there were about illegit babies. She started to leak info while we were rehearsing about a pregnant girl. She wasn't gossiping. Well, for one thing, I needed to find a way to get this out since I was in my 5th month and who knew when I would show. I had told her that. How she handled it was very classy in my opinion. She told the male actors to help out more with set construction and moving chairs because one of the actresses was pregnant. Later, I got a report from her on this. No one guessed me as the pregnant lady!!!
I got to know this friend, Karen Greggor, better and began to like her even more. She was really interesting. I didn't agree with her about everything. Tell the truth, I seemed to view things a lot differently than everyone else, not just her. She did try to talk me into giving the baby up. So did a lot of people, since I was single. I was trying to make it on my own.
I had told my ex after pondering and debating the issue, as I stated earlier. He was not too receptive and said he would pay for half the cost of an abortion. I mentioned already that I never once considered that and he did know that. Still, he came to see me with a friend when I was about 5 mos along. We only had a minute alone and I asked, "Will you help?" His decisive reply was, "I don't know." That clinched it for me. At that point I thought, he never can make up his mind. I also thought he was a coward for bringing a friend along. I didn't really even want him as a friend anymore. All my other friends wanted to know what they could do for me. Not him, though. So pooh on him. I had even been thinking we could share custody. Now...that was out of the question.
I got into many debates with my friends. Many did not make sense, yet others felt it wasn't impossible. It's not like you have to have a ton of money to have a baby. Sadly, the clinic I was going to demanded a certain amount. My budget was pretty good and I was handling the costs. Until my car broke down. The money I had saved for the clinic now had to go to a transmission. There was no way I could not have a car in southern Florida. There is not public transportation within cities. My job was a good 5 miles away. School was three miles from where I lived. Could I get another car for what the cost of a transmission was? No. I had to have it repaired. In my 7th month, the clinic said, I had to pay up or do without. Somethings you can't do without. Somehow, I also knew that I really needed to have medical care, possibly either my life or my baby's depended on it. I had already found out I was severely anemic and I had been given vitamins, iron and folic acid from the clinic. That would not be continued either. So they told me I could give up the baby and had me contact Catholic Charities. I honestly felt I had no choice.
I continued in school. I only had enough money to pay for one class; I felt I had to be in school, in the theater, or I would go crazy so I did pay for that. During this time, everybody knew I was the pregnant lady in question. In my 8th month I began to show. One young man was particularly solicitous. He would rush to get me a chair when I needed one for a scene. Karen, this young man, Sonny, and a friend of his, David, began hanging around together. Sonny even pushed me in a wheelchair when we went to a mall. We all became very close. I had friends I wanted and I was beginning to fall for Sonny. I had accepted that I couldn't keep my baby.
One of the few times that was difficult for me was Thanksgiving. Everybody, even Sonny went back home to be with family. I had company, sort of. One of the people in the house I was renting was an old man. I had thought he was interesting and allowed him to rent a room. The young woman who owned the house worked and ownded a child care center in Ft. Lauderdale and had a boyfriend there, so she spent most of her time there. She figured it would be better financially to rent out her bedroom suite. I was elected to manage this for her. So I let this old man rent. He did pay and put up a deposit. He seemed pleasant enough. I guess it's never a good idea to make snap judgements.
posted by deborah ebersold at 8:43 PM
<< Home