My Life as an Actress
For a long time I've pondered with a story I wanted to tell. Usually my blogs are about my cats or my cats are blogging. Now they have Catster.
Anyway, I've had a burning story that isn't fiction. It does seem like it would be. It certainly is unreal enough. I hope I can remember everything to get a sense of it across and so you can walk a mile or two in my shoes.
I won't start at the beginning of my life. It wasn't ordinary, but it isn't what troubled me. I will say that by the time I was 22, I had lost both my parents to natural causes and had been married and divorced. Whether the later was natural causes or not is questionable. It just wasn't meant to be.
My friends had either been friends of my husband or my high school friends who had gotten married and moved away. The few college friends I had also seemed to go their seperate ways, and I didn't see them again.
I had been studying to be a vet, or a biologist. I wanted to learn and help animals. It was just that when my marriage fell apart, and that process had been a long, drawn out ordeal, I didn't have it in me to study. I needed a change. Something to give my life that spark that makes you want to get up in the morning. Since I was at loose ends, I traveled to where I had an aunt and uncle. I stayed with them and was trying to pull myself together. I wound up babysitting another aunt's children for some extra cash. There was nothing really exciting yet. I did read the want ads daily. Many jobs for models to show homes appeared, then one appeared for luncheon models. I thought...wow! a model. This could lead to an acting career. That was my fantasy! So I interviewed for the modeling job and got it.
This was fine, in a way, but really a dead end. I was debating going back to school or being serious about pursuing an acting career. I was still looking in the papers at want ads. I saw an ad for "actor wanted for children's theater." I called, got an interview, an audition, called back, got the job. I was in heaven!
I earned less, but still I was an actress. I also had the good fortune to be working with an actor that had had two starring roles on Broadway. I tried to learn as much as I could about a professional actor's life from him. My goal was to become a great actress. Being an actress was the only thing that made me forget the pain of losing everyone I had loved.
I did around 150 shows when I realized that I should try for bigger and better things. I had learned all I could where I was. So I gave notice and quit. OK. I did learn. What did I learn? Never quit an acting job, you may never get another; or when you do, it may not be bigger or better.
I went for months without anything in the theater. I went for a couple of months hardly eating. Typical starving artist. I did go on auditions and did wind up doing some department store "demonstrating" of perfumes and colognes. I also read up on Stanislavski and any acting books, plays, I could lay my hands on.
Most people day dream about their love life or having it all. I day dreamed being on stage on Broadway. I would try to imagine the set, the play, the actors I was working with. I also took Stanislavski's advice about re-living the day...the feelings, the sights, the smells, well, all of it.
I finally got a job as an apprentice in summer stock with drop in stars. It was so exciting. I barely had any money. I had a boyfriend who didn't want me to go, but he did help me pack and get on a bus. He also lent me some money.
I guess that isn't really important as part of the story, but I did have a personal life as well. It's just my dreams where far more important. This will lead to major clashes in my life, though I didn't know it then. How would I have known? I couldn't foresee the future or begin to guess how selfish men could be. What did Madonna say? Men can tell a thousand lies...
Anyway, I did work with Van Johnson in a bit part. I also helped with almost every facet of putting a show on. I can't begin to describe everything and how happy I was. Sadly, my boyfriend wasn't and we broke up. Too bad he had many of my possessions from my apartment when I moved. Many of the things were what I had from my mother and many were years and years of pictures. I didn't even think about this at the time. I felt I was on my way. I was in a professional "Equity" theater. True, it was no money. It was great experience.
There was an actor there that I developed strong feelings for, too. He returned them. Still they were just feelings and well this is what came of that. Since I don't want to use this person's name for various unsundry reasons, let me just call him Mr. X. the TV star. How did I know he had feelings for me at the time? It was my job to get coffee for all the actors during intermission ( this was not the show I appeared in). I got his favorite and was delivering it to him and said, "I feel like a waitress." He replied, "I can change your image." I stared. Then I left as I had other duties and anything further would be up to him. That seemed to be it. We had no intimate contact or ever a date.
I continued my work, made peanuts as it were, but managed to get by. I had worked in front of a large audience with a big name star, Van Johnson, and I played a major role in a children's theater production while I was there. I only needed one more summer like that and I would be in Equity.
Sadly, this idyllic situation was to come to an end. School let out and many fresh faced college students were on the scene. They didn't even need to be paid the peanuts I needed to stay there. So I was let go, replaced at 23 years of age.
I had a stepfather in Florida. Florida the place I left when my marriage fell apart because I needed to get away. I had nowhere else to go. I would have gone to New York, but I wanted more money and experience under my belt before I headed for Broadway. Broadway and my name in lights! Ah. I can still see my dream!
Such a selfish goal! Where did my dream of helping animals go? It just lingered and was diminished by something that saved my sanity, pulled me out of what was becoming a severe depression.
My dream of stardom and greatness as an actress.
That has been and was a theme of my life. It has been the driving force. It has overshadowed everything and has somehow managed to wreck every friendship, relationship. I couldn't help it that for me, nothing else compared. Nothing. Even I didn't realize how pervasive and deep a feeling I had for this particular success. I mean, not success in any other way. Not like my mother had encouraged, as say - a Nobel Prize winner, author, something worthy, but as an acress. It makes no sense, but do emotions? Being an actress and succeeding was the only thing to me that could be a fantasy, it was beyond ordinary or common. It was the ONLY thing I desired. Does it seem at this point that I am poised for failure?
Not to me, it didn't.
I showed up at my stepfather and stepmother's door. My stepfather had married a nice woman since my mother had died. I landed there and caught my breath. I wound up getting two jobs, one as a waitress and one in a hospital as a ward secretary. I got an apartment, a car, some clothes and enought money to go full time to Florida Atlantic University.
I majored in theater. I did look up old friends. Seems some that had disappeared were now around.
I did have to quit one job, and boy was I exhausted. Still, I was making headway and getting theater credits. For some reason, my performances were stilted, my speech bland. As a teen, I had shown talent. Many adults commented on it. I was somewhat concerned that I had lost that, but I felt determination would overcome all obstacles. I loved being in the classes. I got to know other students and though I felt so much older than them, I was beginning to fit in. I loved the place.
I needed more money and better hours. I needed evenings free to work on shows. Shows are put on at night. So are rehearsals. Fledgling stars also have to put in time as prop people, dressers, seamstresses or costumers, set painters, stage managers, ushers, etc. Naturally, a college theater production needs all these people, too. I needed to assist. Not only for experience, but for credit. It was required for a couple of classes.
I wound up working as a waitress at a local country club. The hours were good and I was making more than minimum wage. I even got a meal thrown in for free. This really helped. At this point, I had given up my own apartment...no sacrifice, it was a lonely bachelor place. I moved into a house close to the university that was shared with three other girls. Funny, at first, I didn't like them because they weren't actresses. This feeling did change, even though one of my goals and ways of planning was to only associate with people in the theater. It was one of the girls living there who had saved a piece of steak for herself, but offered it to me for an opening night. I was so touched. My performance, I must admit was dismal. Maybe I was trying too hard to use the method and unlike Brando...it didn't work for me.
Next chapter
Anyway, I've had a burning story that isn't fiction. It does seem like it would be. It certainly is unreal enough. I hope I can remember everything to get a sense of it across and so you can walk a mile or two in my shoes.
I won't start at the beginning of my life. It wasn't ordinary, but it isn't what troubled me. I will say that by the time I was 22, I had lost both my parents to natural causes and had been married and divorced. Whether the later was natural causes or not is questionable. It just wasn't meant to be.
My friends had either been friends of my husband or my high school friends who had gotten married and moved away. The few college friends I had also seemed to go their seperate ways, and I didn't see them again.
I had been studying to be a vet, or a biologist. I wanted to learn and help animals. It was just that when my marriage fell apart, and that process had been a long, drawn out ordeal, I didn't have it in me to study. I needed a change. Something to give my life that spark that makes you want to get up in the morning. Since I was at loose ends, I traveled to where I had an aunt and uncle. I stayed with them and was trying to pull myself together. I wound up babysitting another aunt's children for some extra cash. There was nothing really exciting yet. I did read the want ads daily. Many jobs for models to show homes appeared, then one appeared for luncheon models. I thought...wow! a model. This could lead to an acting career. That was my fantasy! So I interviewed for the modeling job and got it.
This was fine, in a way, but really a dead end. I was debating going back to school or being serious about pursuing an acting career. I was still looking in the papers at want ads. I saw an ad for "actor wanted for children's theater." I called, got an interview, an audition, called back, got the job. I was in heaven!
I earned less, but still I was an actress. I also had the good fortune to be working with an actor that had had two starring roles on Broadway. I tried to learn as much as I could about a professional actor's life from him. My goal was to become a great actress. Being an actress was the only thing that made me forget the pain of losing everyone I had loved.
I did around 150 shows when I realized that I should try for bigger and better things. I had learned all I could where I was. So I gave notice and quit. OK. I did learn. What did I learn? Never quit an acting job, you may never get another; or when you do, it may not be bigger or better.
I went for months without anything in the theater. I went for a couple of months hardly eating. Typical starving artist. I did go on auditions and did wind up doing some department store "demonstrating" of perfumes and colognes. I also read up on Stanislavski and any acting books, plays, I could lay my hands on.
Most people day dream about their love life or having it all. I day dreamed being on stage on Broadway. I would try to imagine the set, the play, the actors I was working with. I also took Stanislavski's advice about re-living the day...the feelings, the sights, the smells, well, all of it.
I finally got a job as an apprentice in summer stock with drop in stars. It was so exciting. I barely had any money. I had a boyfriend who didn't want me to go, but he did help me pack and get on a bus. He also lent me some money.
I guess that isn't really important as part of the story, but I did have a personal life as well. It's just my dreams where far more important. This will lead to major clashes in my life, though I didn't know it then. How would I have known? I couldn't foresee the future or begin to guess how selfish men could be. What did Madonna say? Men can tell a thousand lies...
Anyway, I did work with Van Johnson in a bit part. I also helped with almost every facet of putting a show on. I can't begin to describe everything and how happy I was. Sadly, my boyfriend wasn't and we broke up. Too bad he had many of my possessions from my apartment when I moved. Many of the things were what I had from my mother and many were years and years of pictures. I didn't even think about this at the time. I felt I was on my way. I was in a professional "Equity" theater. True, it was no money. It was great experience.
There was an actor there that I developed strong feelings for, too. He returned them. Still they were just feelings and well this is what came of that. Since I don't want to use this person's name for various unsundry reasons, let me just call him Mr. X. the TV star. How did I know he had feelings for me at the time? It was my job to get coffee for all the actors during intermission ( this was not the show I appeared in). I got his favorite and was delivering it to him and said, "I feel like a waitress." He replied, "I can change your image." I stared. Then I left as I had other duties and anything further would be up to him. That seemed to be it. We had no intimate contact or ever a date.
I continued my work, made peanuts as it were, but managed to get by. I had worked in front of a large audience with a big name star, Van Johnson, and I played a major role in a children's theater production while I was there. I only needed one more summer like that and I would be in Equity.
Sadly, this idyllic situation was to come to an end. School let out and many fresh faced college students were on the scene. They didn't even need to be paid the peanuts I needed to stay there. So I was let go, replaced at 23 years of age.
I had a stepfather in Florida. Florida the place I left when my marriage fell apart because I needed to get away. I had nowhere else to go. I would have gone to New York, but I wanted more money and experience under my belt before I headed for Broadway. Broadway and my name in lights! Ah. I can still see my dream!
Such a selfish goal! Where did my dream of helping animals go? It just lingered and was diminished by something that saved my sanity, pulled me out of what was becoming a severe depression.
My dream of stardom and greatness as an actress.
That has been and was a theme of my life. It has been the driving force. It has overshadowed everything and has somehow managed to wreck every friendship, relationship. I couldn't help it that for me, nothing else compared. Nothing. Even I didn't realize how pervasive and deep a feeling I had for this particular success. I mean, not success in any other way. Not like my mother had encouraged, as say - a Nobel Prize winner, author, something worthy, but as an acress. It makes no sense, but do emotions? Being an actress and succeeding was the only thing to me that could be a fantasy, it was beyond ordinary or common. It was the ONLY thing I desired. Does it seem at this point that I am poised for failure?
Not to me, it didn't.
I showed up at my stepfather and stepmother's door. My stepfather had married a nice woman since my mother had died. I landed there and caught my breath. I wound up getting two jobs, one as a waitress and one in a hospital as a ward secretary. I got an apartment, a car, some clothes and enought money to go full time to Florida Atlantic University.
I majored in theater. I did look up old friends. Seems some that had disappeared were now around.
I did have to quit one job, and boy was I exhausted. Still, I was making headway and getting theater credits. For some reason, my performances were stilted, my speech bland. As a teen, I had shown talent. Many adults commented on it. I was somewhat concerned that I had lost that, but I felt determination would overcome all obstacles. I loved being in the classes. I got to know other students and though I felt so much older than them, I was beginning to fit in. I loved the place.
I needed more money and better hours. I needed evenings free to work on shows. Shows are put on at night. So are rehearsals. Fledgling stars also have to put in time as prop people, dressers, seamstresses or costumers, set painters, stage managers, ushers, etc. Naturally, a college theater production needs all these people, too. I needed to assist. Not only for experience, but for credit. It was required for a couple of classes.
I wound up working as a waitress at a local country club. The hours were good and I was making more than minimum wage. I even got a meal thrown in for free. This really helped. At this point, I had given up my own apartment...no sacrifice, it was a lonely bachelor place. I moved into a house close to the university that was shared with three other girls. Funny, at first, I didn't like them because they weren't actresses. This feeling did change, even though one of my goals and ways of planning was to only associate with people in the theater. It was one of the girls living there who had saved a piece of steak for herself, but offered it to me for an opening night. I was so touched. My performance, I must admit was dismal. Maybe I was trying too hard to use the method and unlike Brando...it didn't work for me.
Next chapter
Labels: My Story- the beginning
posted by deborah ebersold at 2:30 PM
<< Home